Why Do I Keep Doing Things I Don’t Actually Want To Do?
- Derek Flint - BSc : Dip. Couns. : PNCPS - Acc.
- May 16
- 3 min read
Why Do I Keep Doing Things I Don’t Actually Want To Do?
Many people find themselves repeating behaviours they do not fully understand, even when part of them genuinely wants things to change.
You might promise yourself it will stop, only to find yourself returning to the same pattern again. Afterwards can come frustration, guilt, shame, secrecy, or a sense of feeling out of control.
This can happen with things like compulsive sexual behaviour, porn use, financial domination (findom), gambling, drinking, emotional avoidance, or relationship patterns that keep repeating despite the consequences. Often, the behaviour itself is not the whole story.
Sometimes what looks destructive on the surface began as a way of coping, managing emotions, escaping pressure, feeling wanted, soothing anxiety, or disconnecting from difficult feelings. At some point, it may even have helped in some way.
That does not mean you have to stay stuck in it.
Understanding The Pattern Beneath The Behaviour
One of the difficulties with compulsive or repetitive behaviours is that people often focus only on stopping them, leading to the question "Why Do I Keep Doing Things I Don’t Actually Want To Do?"
But trying to remove a behaviour without understanding what it is doing for you can sometimes leave people trapped in the same cycle.
You may notice a pattern where stress, loneliness, boredom, rejection, pressure, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm seem to trigger certain urges or behaviours. Over time, these patterns can become automatic.
This is often why self-criticism alone does not work.
Understanding the behaviour differently can create space for change that feels more realistic and sustainable, rather than relying on shame or willpower alone.
When Behaviour Starts Affecting Relationships And Daily Life
For many people, these patterns stay hidden for a long time.
You may feel embarrassed talking about them, worried about being judged, or afraid other people will not understand. Some people feel they are “living two lives” or constantly trying to manage secrecy and anxiety.
Over time this can affect:
relationships and intimacy
confidence and self-esteem
finances
emotional wellbeing
trust
work and concentration
your sense of control over your own life
You do not need to wait until things reach crisis point before talking to somebody.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy provides the opportunity to step back and make sense of what may be happening beneath the surface.
Rather than simply labelling behaviour as “bad” or “wrong”, therapy can help you understand:
what may be driving the pattern
when the behaviour tends to happen
what emotional purpose it may be serving
how shame and secrecy can keep cycles going
what meaningful change could realistically look like for you
For some people, the goal is reducing behaviours. For others, it may be improving control, rebuilding trust, understanding emotional triggers, or changing the relationship they have with themselves.
The work is collaborative and done at a pace that feels manageable for you.
You can read more about:
You Do Not Have To Keep Fighting This Alone
Many people struggle silently with behaviours they do not fully understand. Often, the hardest step is talking about it openly for the first time.
Understanding what sits underneath the pattern can help you begin moving towards change that feels more manageable, honest, and sustainable.
If you would like to explore therapy, you can arrange a free initial consultation through the contact page or by using WhatsApp button on the website or clicking this button to arrange a free initial consultation.
Can therapy help me stop repeating unwanted behaviours?
Yes. Therapy can help you understand what may be driving repetitive or compulsive behaviours, recognise patterns and triggers, and begin making changes that feel more realistic and sustainable.
Why do I keep doing things I know are not good for me?
Sometimes behaviours continue because they serve an emotional or psychological purpose, even when they create problems elsewhere. Understanding the role the behaviour plays can help create meaningful change.
Is compulsive behaviour always an addiction?
Not necessarily. Some people relate to the term addiction and others do not. Therapy focuses less on labels and more on understanding the behaviour, the impact it is having, and what changes you want to make.
Can therapy help with shame and secrecy?
Yes. Many people carry shame around behaviours they struggle to control. Therapy can provide a confidential, non-judgemental space to talk openly and begin understanding what may sit beneath the pattern.
Comments